Life goes on

I recently had a friend who's nephew lost a baby. This sad situation has had me thinking about Drake more. Its hard since we don't speak of him often. Its hard. My husband doesn't like talking about him, its to sad. I know that he means well, and doesn't like to see me upset, so he always tries to change the subject when it does come up. Not talking about him doesn't mean I don't think about him, or long for him. He is real and will always be. Today I would love to just shout his name and let the world know that I have 5 kids already. We have moved and most people are not aware of our little boy that is gone. It is to hard to just have to explain it to everyone. Yet at the same time my heart screams every time someone asks me how many children I have, I just say 4, its easier for them and in a way for me too. Even though it is easier doesn't be my heart doesn't ache and yell at me as the words leave my mouth. There is no easy answer for this, no easy way to say what my heart wants to be said and protect it at the same time. I think that is the real problem how to be true to my heart and protect it from the senseless pain that always follows.

Keep Moving Forward

I stopped today to think about my little boy. I know that he is happier were he is. He doesn't have to deal with the crud that is on this earth. I also know that he is aware of me. He can see me and doesn't want me to be sad. Its hard at times. I miss him so much. I wish at times that we could just have a little talk. I could hear his sweet voice and I could tell him how much I miss and love him! As I write this I don't think just talking to him would be enough. I want to hold him and hug him and smell his sweet head. Who am I trying to kid, I want him here! I know that's selfish of me but I don't care right now! I want to be with him, I want to see him with his brothers and sister. I find it hard on cold winter days like today not to get a little down.

I know that I have to keep moving forward. One step, one breath, one moment, one day at a time. And I will

2nd anniverisry

Its been awhile since I've written, but today is Drake's 2nd birthday. The fact that he's not here to celebrate it doesn't make it less so. He is still very much in my heart and on my mind this special day.

My last couple of posts talked about my pregnancy, I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I have a healthy baby boy. He hasn't taken the place of my dear Drake. I had thought that perhaps I would not notice this anniversary as much now that my arms are not empty. That is not the case. My heart still aches for the little boy that I never got the chance to hear cry, laugh, or giggle.

I have stopped wondering about what he would have looked like! All three of my living boys look exactly alike. Its amazing to see their baby pictures and only be able to tell them apart be looking at what they are wearing and what else is in the pictures. I am convinced that Drake would look just like his brothers!

I don't think I am hurting the way have in the past, no correction I know I am not hurting the way I have in the past. All I have to do is read previous post to see how far I have come!

I'm moving forward but I now know that I will always (or for as long as I am on this earth) miss my son!

All is well

I have made it through my third ultra sound. I couldn't help worrying. I was at the same point in my pregnancy that I was last time. I have been feeling the baby move everyday for several weeks. I still hold my breath at times when I think about how long its been since I felt a movement. I go straight to the cupboard and get some chocolate, then I lay down and wait. Always within the hour I get the results I am wanting. Strong kicks or punches, I don't care which it is! I am just glad for them!

I hope the next 18 weeks goes quickly and with out any issues!

Another chance

I haven't written in a while. I am now expecting again. I am now 13 weeks. I have had 2 ultra sounds. The first filled me with fear. I had hoped they would tell me everything was fine but that wasn't the case. They saw something they were sure what it was. SO after 4 weeks of worry and concern and lots of prayers, yesterday I had a 2nd ultra sound which proved to be much better. Everything looked fine the first issues had were resolved. I started to tear up with joy. Only to remind my self that the Aug 18 due date was still very far away.

My mom asked me today if after I got past the 21 week if I would feel better. "NO!" I don't think that I am going to rest easy until I have this child alive in my arms. The innocence of thinking I am past the danger point will never be with me again. I am OK with that. I know that its just part of me. The way that Drake will always be part of me. With his death, died the innocence way of thinking life will ever be the same again.

I wait for the day that I will feel definitively the kicks and the movements of this child.

I am OK

Its difficult to read the previous posts. I was so desperately searching for something to hold on to. The last couple of weeks I have made what I will call major steps forward. I didn't want to take them and they were very painful. But I did them!

I have realized that I need to stop trying to get back to were I was before I lost my son. I will never get there. And here is the big step--are you ready--That's OK! Yep, that's it. Just accepting that I'm a different person now, has helped in the healing more then any other thing I have done.

Its OK to see a pregnant woman and long for my son. Its OK to see a new infant and long for my son. Its OK to tear up when I hear a new born cry. Its OK for me to cry! Its OK for me to feel sad!

In letting myself know that all of this is OK. I am also letting my self know that I am OK. I am not perfect and that's OK too.

I have realized that my Heavenly Father has been crying with me these last 9 months, because he know what its like to lose a son. I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, has cried with me because I know that he feels sorrow over my loss. He cried over Lazarus, when he died knowing that he was going to raise him. I feel this was because he felt his friends sorrow.

I know that I am not alone. What a huge difference this has made!!!

In accepting this, I found that I am enjoying my three children more. Their laughs and questions. I have stopped fighting and am trying to just be, knowing that I am OK.

I know that at times I am going to feel discouraged and that even though I have made these big steps forward I may have to make them all over again. Guess what? thats OK too!

what now!?

It seems the universe is against me this week. A very good friend called to tell me she just deliver twin girls. "OH, I am so happy for you!" with all the enthusiasm I can. Hoping that my other feelings are not tarnishing her joy in the least. See she has suffered infertility for the last 5 years, and I am happy about the out come. Inside all I really what to do is hang up.

Now that's one more friend I cannot talk to with out hearing baby cries in the back ground. One more person that will be caught up in the joy of their precious gift that I will choose to avoid. It hurts to much to be reminded about the mile stones "they" (all those with new borns) are so excited to share with everyone they meet. But my child will never reach.

My dear friend found out about this pregnancy only weeks after my loss. Up until that point she had been a source of strength to me, knowing what it was like to not have your hearts desire. All to soon she was wrapped up in her own joy, which I do not want to rain on. She deserved it! I just couldn't share in it. I hate it. Why am I so selfish? She had struggled and struggled, why should I feel frustrated when I talk to her.

I want to feel excited and giddy, we had prayed and talked about this day for years hopping it would come to be. Instead I feel like I am the worst friend in the world. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and cry. She is in the same hospital that I was in.

She seems to have forgotten how hard it is to be the one getting the news of someones joy!

I hate myself for feeling so disgruntled by this. Her joy shouldn't have any effect on my grief. But it does. Its an all to sharp reminder that my arms are empty.

That isn't true though as I still have my three other children. I just cant seem get past that I have lost the one. Maybe that's how our Father in Heaven sees us at times. He has many of his children talking to him and trying to be with him but he still longs for the one. The one that's not there, that's not talking to him, that's not in his fold.

I wish for a moment I could see the eternities and see why I had to go through this and what I am suppose to learn. Right now pain seems to be the only answer.