I am OK

Its difficult to read the previous posts. I was so desperately searching for something to hold on to. The last couple of weeks I have made what I will call major steps forward. I didn't want to take them and they were very painful. But I did them!

I have realized that I need to stop trying to get back to were I was before I lost my son. I will never get there. And here is the big step--are you ready--That's OK! Yep, that's it. Just accepting that I'm a different person now, has helped in the healing more then any other thing I have done.

Its OK to see a pregnant woman and long for my son. Its OK to see a new infant and long for my son. Its OK to tear up when I hear a new born cry. Its OK for me to cry! Its OK for me to feel sad!

In letting myself know that all of this is OK. I am also letting my self know that I am OK. I am not perfect and that's OK too.

I have realized that my Heavenly Father has been crying with me these last 9 months, because he know what its like to lose a son. I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, has cried with me because I know that he feels sorrow over my loss. He cried over Lazarus, when he died knowing that he was going to raise him. I feel this was because he felt his friends sorrow.

I know that I am not alone. What a huge difference this has made!!!

In accepting this, I found that I am enjoying my three children more. Their laughs and questions. I have stopped fighting and am trying to just be, knowing that I am OK.

I know that at times I am going to feel discouraged and that even though I have made these big steps forward I may have to make them all over again. Guess what? thats OK too!