changing perspective

Its been a while since I tried to write about Drake. Part of the reasons are that I continue on my quest for distractions.



After a visit with a good friend who "saw" how badly I was hurting, I have realized that I had done nothing but avoid and deny how I was feeling. With gentle but firm hand we discussed some of the reasons why.



The resounding reason was "TRUST"! I couldn't allow anyone to come close to my feels for Drake because they might not treat them as gently as I needed them to.



Why is it that when we are hurting so much, they world wants to push us in a corner and pretend nothing ever happened?



Why does everyone have an opinion on my emotions are so quick to judge?

Right now I feel that I am failing. I feel I am failing the three beautiful children I have with me because at times I am not the loving, patient mother they are use to. I am failing by dead child by not figuring out a good way to continue his legacy, I am failing my husband by shutting him out. I am failing my friend by not being able to be there for her and for draining her of the strength she needs! I am also failing my self by not finding a way to come to grips with the reality that my arms are empty and that a part of me is never coming back.

I am tired of my own thoughts and my own complaints. I am tired of cringing when I hear a baby cry. I am tired of feeling like fleeing every time the conversation in a room turns to pregnancy or a new born. I am tired of not being able to rejoice with them over the new life that is there. I am tired of feeling the lump in my throat any time some one asks me how many children do you have. How does one answer that after such a loss?

I keep waiting for things to be easier, I thought that if we moved it would be, but its not.

I continue to hurt and smile through it. what else is there to do? Life isn't going to stop and it seems as the holidays are fast approaching that I feel apprehensive for dealing with what was suppose to be my child's first. I am not sure why but this just hit like a ton of bricks. I should be preparing 4 costume this year but I am not. Why can't I just be happy that I have 3 to prepare? It seems selfish but I can't seem to help it tonight. I am sorry to anyone who reads this and feels that I am just dwelling to much. For tonight it seems that's all I can do.