Its difficult to read the previous posts. I was so desperately searching for something to hold on to. The last couple of weeks I have made what I will call major steps forward. I didn't want to take them and they were very painful. But I did them!
I have realized that I need to stop trying to get back to were I was before I lost my son. I will never get there. And here is the big step--are you ready--That's OK! Yep, that's it. Just accepting that I'm a different person now, has helped in the healing more then any other thing I have done.
Its OK to see a pregnant woman and long for my son. Its OK to see a new infant and long for my son. Its OK to tear up when I hear a new born cry. Its OK for me to cry! Its OK for me to feel sad!
In letting myself know that all of this is OK. I am also letting my self know that I am OK. I am not perfect and that's OK too.
I have realized that my Heavenly Father has been crying with me these last 9 months, because he know what its like to lose a son. I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, has cried with me because I know that he feels sorrow over my loss. He cried over Lazarus, when he died knowing that he was going to raise him. I feel this was because he felt his friends sorrow.
I know that I am not alone. What a huge difference this has made!!!
In accepting this, I found that I am enjoying my three children more. Their laughs and questions. I have stopped fighting and am trying to just be, knowing that I am OK.
I know that at times I am going to feel discouraged and that even though I have made these big steps forward I may have to make them all over again. Guess what? thats OK too!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
what now!?
It seems the universe is against me this week. A very good friend called to tell me she just deliver twin girls. "OH, I am so happy for you!" with all the enthusiasm I can. Hoping that my other feelings are not tarnishing her joy in the least. See she has suffered infertility for the last 5 years, and I am happy about the out come. Inside all I really what to do is hang up.
Now that's one more friend I cannot talk to with out hearing baby cries in the back ground. One more person that will be caught up in the joy of their precious gift that I will choose to avoid. It hurts to much to be reminded about the mile stones "they" (all those with new borns) are so excited to share with everyone they meet. But my child will never reach.
My dear friend found out about this pregnancy only weeks after my loss. Up until that point she had been a source of strength to me, knowing what it was like to not have your hearts desire. All to soon she was wrapped up in her own joy, which I do not want to rain on. She deserved it! I just couldn't share in it. I hate it. Why am I so selfish? She had struggled and struggled, why should I feel frustrated when I talk to her.
I want to feel excited and giddy, we had prayed and talked about this day for years hopping it would come to be. Instead I feel like I am the worst friend in the world. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and cry. She is in the same hospital that I was in.
She seems to have forgotten how hard it is to be the one getting the news of someones joy!
I hate myself for feeling so disgruntled by this. Her joy shouldn't have any effect on my grief. But it does. Its an all to sharp reminder that my arms are empty.
That isn't true though as I still have my three other children. I just cant seem get past that I have lost the one. Maybe that's how our Father in Heaven sees us at times. He has many of his children talking to him and trying to be with him but he still longs for the one. The one that's not there, that's not talking to him, that's not in his fold.
I wish for a moment I could see the eternities and see why I had to go through this and what I am suppose to learn. Right now pain seems to be the only answer.
Now that's one more friend I cannot talk to with out hearing baby cries in the back ground. One more person that will be caught up in the joy of their precious gift that I will choose to avoid. It hurts to much to be reminded about the mile stones "they" (all those with new borns) are so excited to share with everyone they meet. But my child will never reach.
My dear friend found out about this pregnancy only weeks after my loss. Up until that point she had been a source of strength to me, knowing what it was like to not have your hearts desire. All to soon she was wrapped up in her own joy, which I do not want to rain on. She deserved it! I just couldn't share in it. I hate it. Why am I so selfish? She had struggled and struggled, why should I feel frustrated when I talk to her.
I want to feel excited and giddy, we had prayed and talked about this day for years hopping it would come to be. Instead I feel like I am the worst friend in the world. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and cry. She is in the same hospital that I was in.
She seems to have forgotten how hard it is to be the one getting the news of someones joy!
I hate myself for feeling so disgruntled by this. Her joy shouldn't have any effect on my grief. But it does. Its an all to sharp reminder that my arms are empty.
That isn't true though as I still have my three other children. I just cant seem get past that I have lost the one. Maybe that's how our Father in Heaven sees us at times. He has many of his children talking to him and trying to be with him but he still longs for the one. The one that's not there, that's not talking to him, that's not in his fold.
I wish for a moment I could see the eternities and see why I had to go through this and what I am suppose to learn. Right now pain seems to be the only answer.
Friday, September 26, 2008
changing perspective
Its been a while since I tried to write about Drake. Part of the reasons are that I continue on my quest for distractions.
After a visit with a good friend who "saw" how badly I was hurting, I have realized that I had done nothing but avoid and deny how I was feeling. With gentle but firm hand we discussed some of the reasons why.
The resounding reason was "TRUST"! I couldn't allow anyone to come close to my feels for Drake because they might not treat them as gently as I needed them to.
Why is it that when we are hurting so much, they world wants to push us in a corner and pretend nothing ever happened?
Why does everyone have an opinion on my emotions are so quick to judge?
Right now I feel that I am failing. I feel I am failing the three beautiful children I have with me because at times I am not the loving, patient mother they are use to. I am failing by dead child by not figuring out a good way to continue his legacy, I am failing my husband by shutting him out. I am failing my friend by not being able to be there for her and for draining her of the strength she needs! I am also failing my self by not finding a way to come to grips with the reality that my arms are empty and that a part of me is never coming back.
I am tired of my own thoughts and my own complaints. I am tired of cringing when I hear a baby cry. I am tired of feeling like fleeing every time the conversation in a room turns to pregnancy or a new born. I am tired of not being able to rejoice with them over the new life that is there. I am tired of feeling the lump in my throat any time some one asks me how many children do you have. How does one answer that after such a loss?
I keep waiting for things to be easier, I thought that if we moved it would be, but its not.
I continue to hurt and smile through it. what else is there to do? Life isn't going to stop and it seems as the holidays are fast approaching that I feel apprehensive for dealing with what was suppose to be my child's first. I am not sure why but this just hit like a ton of bricks. I should be preparing 4 costume this year but I am not. Why can't I just be happy that I have 3 to prepare? It seems selfish but I can't seem to help it tonight. I am sorry to anyone who reads this and feels that I am just dwelling to much. For tonight it seems that's all I can do.
After a visit with a good friend who "saw" how badly I was hurting, I have realized that I had done nothing but avoid and deny how I was feeling. With gentle but firm hand we discussed some of the reasons why.
The resounding reason was "TRUST"! I couldn't allow anyone to come close to my feels for Drake because they might not treat them as gently as I needed them to.
Why is it that when we are hurting so much, they world wants to push us in a corner and pretend nothing ever happened?
Why does everyone have an opinion on my emotions are so quick to judge?
Right now I feel that I am failing. I feel I am failing the three beautiful children I have with me because at times I am not the loving, patient mother they are use to. I am failing by dead child by not figuring out a good way to continue his legacy, I am failing my husband by shutting him out. I am failing my friend by not being able to be there for her and for draining her of the strength she needs! I am also failing my self by not finding a way to come to grips with the reality that my arms are empty and that a part of me is never coming back.
I am tired of my own thoughts and my own complaints. I am tired of cringing when I hear a baby cry. I am tired of feeling like fleeing every time the conversation in a room turns to pregnancy or a new born. I am tired of not being able to rejoice with them over the new life that is there. I am tired of feeling the lump in my throat any time some one asks me how many children do you have. How does one answer that after such a loss?
I keep waiting for things to be easier, I thought that if we moved it would be, but its not.
I continue to hurt and smile through it. what else is there to do? Life isn't going to stop and it seems as the holidays are fast approaching that I feel apprehensive for dealing with what was suppose to be my child's first. I am not sure why but this just hit like a ton of bricks. I should be preparing 4 costume this year but I am not. Why can't I just be happy that I have 3 to prepare? It seems selfish but I can't seem to help it tonight. I am sorry to anyone who reads this and feels that I am just dwelling to much. For tonight it seems that's all I can do.
Monday, June 2, 2008
finding hope?
I really don't think anyone is ever going to read this but I have been told that writing things down may help me cope. I am not sure I agree. Finding words to say what is going on inside my head is very difficult. I have been doing everything I can to avoid doing it. I wish there was a check list some where of the steps to get back to being "you". Like if you do this and then this everything will be back to "normal". Where is the manual on how to grieve a still born child? After reading some comments on the website www.glowinthewoods.com I feel more hopeless that I will ever be me again. Do we ever get that innocent out look back that once we hit a certain point in a pregnancy that everything is going to be OK. How do we keep from going to every extreme in protecting the little ones that are still here? How do we keep fear of what could happen keep us from our lives? How do we not fall to our knees in pain every time a pregnant woman walks by complaining on how miserable she is? How do we sit there and listens as a new mom complains on how many times she "had to get up" in the night? When all I want is to be the one up in the middle of the night with an infant or to still be pregnant and get kicked in the ribs. I want my baby.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
new to this
I am not sure what I am doing. I just felt compelled to write some of my story down some where. I gave birth to a still born baby boy just about 5 months ago. I have tried to distract my self with anything and everything at the same time. I crave distractions. Anything that keeps me from thinking about how I am feeling and how I am doing. Alot of things have happened in the last few months that have helped me do this. Two trips to the er with older kids, a broken arm for one child, a trip to the white house, two out patient surgeries for two of my kids, easter, my birthday, my son's birthday, my oldest child's unability to accept his baby brother's death, a trip to disney world. Now I have turned to books and tried to work my self to the point of exhaustion. I know that none of this is solving anything but I am not sure what else to do.
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