Life goes on

I recently had a friend who's nephew lost a baby. This sad situation has had me thinking about Drake more. Its hard since we don't speak of him often. Its hard. My husband doesn't like talking about him, its to sad. I know that he means well, and doesn't like to see me upset, so he always tries to change the subject when it does come up. Not talking about him doesn't mean I don't think about him, or long for him. He is real and will always be. Today I would love to just shout his name and let the world know that I have 5 kids already. We have moved and most people are not aware of our little boy that is gone. It is to hard to just have to explain it to everyone. Yet at the same time my heart screams every time someone asks me how many children I have, I just say 4, its easier for them and in a way for me too. Even though it is easier doesn't be my heart doesn't ache and yell at me as the words leave my mouth. There is no easy answer for this, no easy way to say what my heart wants to be said and protect it at the same time. I think that is the real problem how to be true to my heart and protect it from the senseless pain that always follows.

Keep Moving Forward

I stopped today to think about my little boy. I know that he is happier were he is. He doesn't have to deal with the crud that is on this earth. I also know that he is aware of me. He can see me and doesn't want me to be sad. Its hard at times. I miss him so much. I wish at times that we could just have a little talk. I could hear his sweet voice and I could tell him how much I miss and love him! As I write this I don't think just talking to him would be enough. I want to hold him and hug him and smell his sweet head. Who am I trying to kid, I want him here! I know that's selfish of me but I don't care right now! I want to be with him, I want to see him with his brothers and sister. I find it hard on cold winter days like today not to get a little down.

I know that I have to keep moving forward. One step, one breath, one moment, one day at a time. And I will

2nd anniverisry

Its been awhile since I've written, but today is Drake's 2nd birthday. The fact that he's not here to celebrate it doesn't make it less so. He is still very much in my heart and on my mind this special day.

My last couple of posts talked about my pregnancy, I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I have a healthy baby boy. He hasn't taken the place of my dear Drake. I had thought that perhaps I would not notice this anniversary as much now that my arms are not empty. That is not the case. My heart still aches for the little boy that I never got the chance to hear cry, laugh, or giggle.

I have stopped wondering about what he would have looked like! All three of my living boys look exactly alike. Its amazing to see their baby pictures and only be able to tell them apart be looking at what they are wearing and what else is in the pictures. I am convinced that Drake would look just like his brothers!

I don't think I am hurting the way have in the past, no correction I know I am not hurting the way I have in the past. All I have to do is read previous post to see how far I have come!

I'm moving forward but I now know that I will always (or for as long as I am on this earth) miss my son!