finding hope?

I really don't think anyone is ever going to read this but I have been told that writing things down may help me cope. I am not sure I agree. Finding words to say what is going on inside my head is very difficult. I have been doing everything I can to avoid doing it. I wish there was a check list some where of the steps to get back to being "you". Like if you do this and then this everything will be back to "normal". Where is the manual on how to grieve a still born child? After reading some comments on the website www.glowinthewoods.com I feel more hopeless that I will ever be me again. Do we ever get that innocent out look back that once we hit a certain point in a pregnancy that everything is going to be OK. How do we keep from going to every extreme in protecting the little ones that are still here? How do we keep fear of what could happen keep us from our lives? How do we not fall to our knees in pain every time a pregnant woman walks by complaining on how miserable she is? How do we sit there and listens as a new mom complains on how many times she "had to get up" in the night? When all I want is to be the one up in the middle of the night with an infant or to still be pregnant and get kicked in the ribs. I want my baby.

new to this

I am not sure what I am doing. I just felt compelled to write some of my story down some where. I gave birth to a still born baby boy just about 5 months ago. I have tried to distract my self with anything and everything at the same time. I crave distractions. Anything that keeps me from thinking about how I am feeling and how I am doing. Alot of things have happened in the last few months that have helped me do this. Two trips to the er with older kids, a broken arm for one child, a trip to the white house, two out patient surgeries for two of my kids, easter, my birthday, my son's birthday, my oldest child's unability to accept his baby brother's death, a trip to disney world. Now I have turned to books and tried to work my self to the point of exhaustion. I know that none of this is solving anything but I am not sure what else to do.