Its difficult to read the previous posts. I was so desperately searching for something to hold on to. The last couple of weeks I have made what I will call major steps forward. I didn't want to take them and they were very painful. But I did them!
I have realized that I need to stop trying to get back to were I was before I lost my son. I will never get there. And here is the big step--are you ready--That's OK! Yep, that's it. Just accepting that I'm a different person now, has helped in the healing more then any other thing I have done.
Its OK to see a pregnant woman and long for my son. Its OK to see a new infant and long for my son. Its OK to tear up when I hear a new born cry. Its OK for me to cry! Its OK for me to feel sad!
In letting myself know that all of this is OK. I am also letting my self know that I am OK. I am not perfect and that's OK too.
I have realized that my Heavenly Father has been crying with me these last 9 months, because he know what its like to lose a son. I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, has cried with me because I know that he feels sorrow over my loss. He cried over Lazarus, when he died knowing that he was going to raise him. I feel this was because he felt his friends sorrow.
I know that I am not alone. What a huge difference this has made!!!
In accepting this, I found that I am enjoying my three children more. Their laughs and questions. I have stopped fighting and am trying to just be, knowing that I am OK.
I know that at times I am going to feel discouraged and that even though I have made these big steps forward I may have to make them all over again. Guess what? thats OK too!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
what now!?
It seems the universe is against me this week. A very good friend called to tell me she just deliver twin girls. "OH, I am so happy for you!" with all the enthusiasm I can. Hoping that my other feelings are not tarnishing her joy in the least. See she has suffered infertility for the last 5 years, and I am happy about the out come. Inside all I really what to do is hang up.
Now that's one more friend I cannot talk to with out hearing baby cries in the back ground. One more person that will be caught up in the joy of their precious gift that I will choose to avoid. It hurts to much to be reminded about the mile stones "they" (all those with new borns) are so excited to share with everyone they meet. But my child will never reach.
My dear friend found out about this pregnancy only weeks after my loss. Up until that point she had been a source of strength to me, knowing what it was like to not have your hearts desire. All to soon she was wrapped up in her own joy, which I do not want to rain on. She deserved it! I just couldn't share in it. I hate it. Why am I so selfish? She had struggled and struggled, why should I feel frustrated when I talk to her.
I want to feel excited and giddy, we had prayed and talked about this day for years hopping it would come to be. Instead I feel like I am the worst friend in the world. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and cry. She is in the same hospital that I was in.
She seems to have forgotten how hard it is to be the one getting the news of someones joy!
I hate myself for feeling so disgruntled by this. Her joy shouldn't have any effect on my grief. But it does. Its an all to sharp reminder that my arms are empty.
That isn't true though as I still have my three other children. I just cant seem get past that I have lost the one. Maybe that's how our Father in Heaven sees us at times. He has many of his children talking to him and trying to be with him but he still longs for the one. The one that's not there, that's not talking to him, that's not in his fold.
I wish for a moment I could see the eternities and see why I had to go through this and what I am suppose to learn. Right now pain seems to be the only answer.
Now that's one more friend I cannot talk to with out hearing baby cries in the back ground. One more person that will be caught up in the joy of their precious gift that I will choose to avoid. It hurts to much to be reminded about the mile stones "they" (all those with new borns) are so excited to share with everyone they meet. But my child will never reach.
My dear friend found out about this pregnancy only weeks after my loss. Up until that point she had been a source of strength to me, knowing what it was like to not have your hearts desire. All to soon she was wrapped up in her own joy, which I do not want to rain on. She deserved it! I just couldn't share in it. I hate it. Why am I so selfish? She had struggled and struggled, why should I feel frustrated when I talk to her.
I want to feel excited and giddy, we had prayed and talked about this day for years hopping it would come to be. Instead I feel like I am the worst friend in the world. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and cry. She is in the same hospital that I was in.
She seems to have forgotten how hard it is to be the one getting the news of someones joy!
I hate myself for feeling so disgruntled by this. Her joy shouldn't have any effect on my grief. But it does. Its an all to sharp reminder that my arms are empty.
That isn't true though as I still have my three other children. I just cant seem get past that I have lost the one. Maybe that's how our Father in Heaven sees us at times. He has many of his children talking to him and trying to be with him but he still longs for the one. The one that's not there, that's not talking to him, that's not in his fold.
I wish for a moment I could see the eternities and see why I had to go through this and what I am suppose to learn. Right now pain seems to be the only answer.
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