Monday, June 2, 2008
finding hope?
I really don't think anyone is ever going to read this but I have been told that writing things down may help me cope. I am not sure I agree. Finding words to say what is going on inside my head is very difficult. I have been doing everything I can to avoid doing it. I wish there was a check list some where of the steps to get back to being "you". Like if you do this and then this everything will be back to "normal". Where is the manual on how to grieve a still born child? After reading some comments on the website www.glowinthewoods.com I feel more hopeless that I will ever be me again. Do we ever get that innocent out look back that once we hit a certain point in a pregnancy that everything is going to be OK. How do we keep from going to every extreme in protecting the little ones that are still here? How do we keep fear of what could happen keep us from our lives? How do we not fall to our knees in pain every time a pregnant woman walks by complaining on how miserable she is? How do we sit there and listens as a new mom complains on how many times she "had to get up" in the night? When all I want is to be the one up in the middle of the night with an infant or to still be pregnant and get kicked in the ribs. I want my baby.
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5 comments:
Someone is reading this--and someone who knows. My daughter was stillborn almost 4 months ago. It's all so hard because I think we know that we will never be way were before our babies died, but we don't know who we are now.
When you write the checklist for normalcy, can you publish it? :) I've been looking for one too, but it doesn't seem to exist!
(I found you through glowinthewoods.)
I read this. I found your blog on the glow in the woods blogroll. I'm sorry to hear about your son. My son was incompatible with life and died 7 months ago. It seems the grieving lasts so long. I really miss him.
I like bookworm's comment about never being our old selves but not knowing who we are now, and I'll add a worry about who I'll be in the future: bitter and hurting for forever or will I somehow learn kindness again?
Yeah, I've been searching for that checklist too.
bookworm: your comment touched me so deeply...we know we will never be the way we were, but who are we now.... I have not experienced the loss of a child, just the unexpected loss of a very healthy father last year, and what you say holds true across the grief spectrum.
Annamarie: I read your blog tonight, wow, you are one strong woman!! I vote for a Jizo thwack to the head of the man who asked you to shop with his pregnant wife and then to the woman who took you!!!
Courtney: I found this paragraph tonight on a blog I haven't read for probably a year...just was lead to it. I hope it helps you....
"But to answer your question, Danielle, I don’t think you’re thinking about your baby too much. As long as you’re able to care for the child you do have and to take pleasure in everyday things and to sleep and eat pretty normally, I think you’re healing, slowly. If you’re not able to do these things, or if you feel sadder now than you did six months ago, it might be a good idea to get some counseling. There are online support groups, but I think an actual, drive there and see people face-to-face sort of thing might be even more helpful.
There’s nothing wrong with mourning for a life and a baby, so long hoped-for and loved already. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s what being a mother is all about."
If you would like to read her story, it's about her misscarriage, here's the link.
You probably have to cut and paste as I seem to be link challenged for the moment...
http://www.whataboutmomblog.com/2008/07/17/1-in-4-my-miscarriage-story/
Dear Courtney,
I don't know if you will read this or not as you haven't post anything in a couple of months. But I wanted to write anyway.
19 months ago my precious little Christian was born sound asleep. I remember 3 weeks afterwards hearing woman complain about the inconvenience of being pregnant. I was longing for my baby too. I can say that I am not the person I was before I had him and I never will be. I don't think it is a bad thing though.
Your grief process takes you to places that most people couldn't even imagine. Its hard, sickening, beautiful, sorrowful, gut wrenching and amazing. But in the end it has made my life richer and more precious.
I find that now 19 months later that my life is just so beautiful. Sure I have my days where I don't want to get up and face anyone but they are becoming rarer and rarer.
Be kind on yourself in this delicate time of your life.
I pray that you will find peace again and that you will be able to witness the beauty that this world still holds for you.
All my love Carly in Australia x
Oh, courtney... this blackness is so familiar. I'm so sorry that you came to glow and it made you feel hopeless. If I can offer up a tiny bit of reinterpretation...
No, you won't ever be yourself again. Not in the way that you may have once been oblivious, or take certain aspects of life for granted. You may always startle at pregnant women. You were singled out by this loss, made the most unfortunate kind of extraordinary.
What changes, with time, is you become able to live again with that hole in your chest. Peace and acceptance find you in small bits and pieces, particularly when you're not actively looking for it. You may not ever be 'the same', but you will laugh again. It just takes time... and, sometimes, extra help in the form of therapy, or anti-depressants, or help with the care of your family so that you can have some time for you.
...and don't feel like you're expected to write. You're not. There may be some other outlet that works for you - art, or physical adventure, or music. Or maybe just time. You may never write about it, and that's okay.
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