Its been a while since I tried to write about Drake. Part of the reasons are that I continue on my quest for distractions.
After a visit with a good friend who "saw" how badly I was hurting, I have realized that I had done nothing but avoid and deny how I was feeling. With gentle but firm hand we discussed some of the reasons why.
The resounding reason was "TRUST"! I couldn't allow anyone to come close to my feels for Drake because they might not treat them as gently as I needed them to.
Why is it that when we are hurting so much, they world wants to push us in a corner and pretend nothing ever happened?
Why does everyone have an opinion on my emotions are so quick to judge?
Right now I feel that I am failing. I feel I am failing the three beautiful children I have with me because at times I am not the loving, patient mother they are use to. I am failing by dead child by not figuring out a good way to continue his legacy, I am failing my husband by shutting him out. I am failing my friend by not being able to be there for her and for draining her of the strength she needs! I am also failing my self by not finding a way to come to grips with the reality that my arms are empty and that a part of me is never coming back.
I am tired of my own thoughts and my own complaints. I am tired of cringing when I hear a baby cry. I am tired of feeling like fleeing every time the conversation in a room turns to pregnancy or a new born. I am tired of not being able to rejoice with them over the new life that is there. I am tired of feeling the lump in my throat any time some one asks me how many children do you have. How does one answer that after such a loss?
I keep waiting for things to be easier, I thought that if we moved it would be, but its not.
I continue to hurt and smile through it. what else is there to do? Life isn't going to stop and it seems as the holidays are fast approaching that I feel apprehensive for dealing with what was suppose to be my child's first. I am not sure why but this just hit like a ton of bricks. I should be preparing 4 costume this year but I am not. Why can't I just be happy that I have 3 to prepare? It seems selfish but I can't seem to help it tonight. I am sorry to anyone who reads this and feels that I am just dwelling to much. For tonight it seems that's all I can do.
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I noticed your comment on Glow in the Woods and just had to come and offer some support, if I can. Certainly no one can erase your pain or change the reality of your loss. I know it doesn't feel this way right now, but your loss is so very recent. The first year is so, so hard. The second year is easier, but frankly, it's still kind of the pits. But it will get better, very slowly it gets better. And there will come a time when you realize you have more good days than bad days, and the bad days will turn into bad moments, and bad moments turn into something gentler and more wistful. Somewhere along the way the gut wrenching grief subsides and you are left with love, and quieter longings in your heart.
I had two living children when my twins died. Two boys, ages 5 and 8. It was EXHAUSTING trying to care for them in the midst of my grief. I felt like a complete failure 99% of the time. I did my best to be on the outside what they needed to be, but on the inside my thoughts were constantly on my babies and all that we had lost. I beat myself up so much in those days and if there is one thing I would go back and tell myself it would be to STOP. Do the best you can. Make sure you hug them daily and tell them you love them. Try to engage in their activities as you are able and forgive yourself when you can't. Honestly, my boys remember very little of that first year after the twins died and they are no worse for wear. They are healthy, happy and fine. Please, just do the best you can.
I wish I could make this better for you. I really do. Just know that there is hope. There really is. And there are a lot of us out here offering our silent solidarity.
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